did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
