I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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