i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
