my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
