I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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