I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So vagazzling was a success
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
