I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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