I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I could make wine with my vomit
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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