u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Let's paint friendship bongs
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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