I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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