you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
