Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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