No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
