Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
