he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
