He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
