i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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