dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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