So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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