how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
