I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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