I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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