if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
