and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
