she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
