i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
two words...techno handjob
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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