I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
