if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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