so that wasnt chicken after all
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
