Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
