Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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