Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
