He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
