he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
