Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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