My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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