i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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