I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
