We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
