Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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