She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
