I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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