We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
