The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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