The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i will never coherently bang her
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
