Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
