Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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