I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize