whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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