Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
