Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
