You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
