bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
