Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
