I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
