Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
