please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
