So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
