She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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