dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
