im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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