Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
