I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
