you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize