Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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