I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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