i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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