shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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