I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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