there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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